If God Knows Every Hair on My Head, Then God Already Knows I'm a Pain in the Butt

Do you ever feel just plain dumb because you’re not feeling God or spirituality the way people around you are?

I feel God in a big way, but to be honest other times I don’t. It’s a daily workout to check in and breathe and remember to live with faith, awe and humility, especially in a very hectic world that revolves around balancing budgets and climbing corporate ladders.

I hear lovely encouraging phrases that God has made me for a great purpose and God knows every hair on my head. I’m not saying I don’t believe that, but I don’t feel that to my core like others do, and if I’m being honest I’ll admit it’s frustrating.

I mean, who wouldn’t want to believe that, and not only feel it, but go about life with such conviction every day that they were created with a specific purpose in mind to complete the puzzle? It sure would boost my confidence, that’s for sure, ya know?

But you know what? It doesn’t mean my faith is any less worthy or solid than a person who can recite religious verses or has no doubts. My faith looks gray and murky at times, but I keep coming back to the the table with curiosity and an open spirit.

And that’s all I can ask for from my spiritual journey. No two spiritual journeys look alike, so we all have to be open to the fact that where each of us is, is the only place we can be at that moment. Spirituality cannot be forced or guilted upon anyone, even by the most well-intentioned person.

I never understood non-believers who mock and ridicule believers or believers who look down at non-believers. This sort of judgment is not helping anyone come any closer to spirituality. It’s a personal conversation that our souls have with a higher power, and who are we to say anyone else’s conversation should look just like ours?

There are generalizations that Christians are judgmental and full of hate and the same goes for atheists. Well, we’re all judgmental humans no matter our spiritual path, so let’s go ahead and get that out of the way right now, and we all mess up big time on a daily basis.

No one is above the brokenness of being human, so why not help each other through this life?

I know of plenty of atheist groups who serve the community and open their hearts to the poor, and I know plenty of Christians who will knock you over with their love and open arms until you’re ready to accept on your terms.

But the bottom line is spirituality is a language all its own. It’s not a one-size-fits-all blanket, and if we go about our spiritual quest by trying to copy and paste from others’ quests, it’s just not going to be authentic.

On that same note, it doesn’t hurt to be open and curious and to know no one has all the answers. We’re all flailing around in faith or no faith, finding our way whether that means belief in something or not, and what works for you might not work for the person next to you, no matter how much that frustrates you.

I’ll keep facing my spirituality with the same steady pace I’ve been going at my entire life, remembering what I feel is what I feel, and it’s where I’m meant to be, being open to letting light in.

Every time someone tells me something I want to believe so badly like God knows every hair on my head and created me for a specific purpose, I’ll try not to doubt it. I'll try to invite those words in and stop analyzing the actuality in them while not beating myself up for not being filled with unshakable convictions.

Analyzing is rain on a faith parade, and I’m really, really good at doing that.

But hey, it’s my spiritual journey and if God does know every hair on my head, then God is not shocked with these endearing qualities in my humanity.

Maybe accepting that is the first step to a great spiritual journey after all.